Long-Distance Caregiver Asks

What can I do as a long-distance caregiver when my mom won’t bathe and my dad won’t persuade her? Also, how do I deal with my anger in these situations?

[The full text of this long-distance caregiver's question is posted at end. As one of an estimated 7-million Americans serving as long-distance caregivers according to the National Institute of Aging, he is one of The Caregiver's Voice Coaching Clients and has given us permission to post his question. TCV Ed]

TCV Answers

From what you write, you are a long-distance caregiver who feels flustered by your mom’s lack of bathing and your dad’s seeming apathy. [Scroll down and see full text of this Long Distance Caregiver's question under the heading, "Original Question."]

You feel helpless being a long-distance caregiver because you want the best for your parents. You don’t want your dad to lose his quality of life. If only he’d step up and make sure your mom bathes. You wish your mom and dad would agree to other options for her care. You’re trying to be the good son who cares and helps, but your parents are placing obstacles in your way.

To observe first-hand their day-to-day coping, you will need to spend more time with your parents. Your day-long visit gives them a pleasant change of pace and they’re able to hold it all together while you’re there. However, after a week or more, you would see an entirely different picture of how they live day-to-day.

A personal example will illustrate: Despite a busy travel schedule, I spent two weeks with my father after his case worker threatened to commit him for a psychiatric assessment. This would have killed my father. Even though my sister lived 5 blocks away and my brother lived in our father’s home, I traveled 2,000 miles to observe first hand.  What I saw after the first few days was worse than I expected. Something had to be done and I was better able to evaluate my father’s care options. After 2 weeks on only 3 – 4 hours of sleep each night, I managed to persuade my father to visit my husband and me. Our plans took a shocking turn when I bought my father a one-way plane ticket after my husband and I discovered the best option was to have him live with us.

We’re all so busy these days trying to juggle life’s many demands. Yet, we need to balance our days with the fragile lives of our loved ones. Taking time off to be with your parents for a week or more will give you a clearer view of the delicate balance each tries to keep in their fragile lives together.

Yes, your mother should bathe and your dad knows she should. But he’s tried and when he pushes the issue, life goes to hell in their home. Rather than deal with it, he figures her being smelly and dirty may be less painful than dealing with her behavior. Put yourself in their shoes. There are times when [your wife] does things and you look the other way to keep balance and peace in the household. Your father’s been doing this for years. If you’re able to spend more time with them, you will definitely witness how they cope with their issues and may see similarities in how you cope, too.

Bathing is intensely personal and we each have our own way to clean ourselves. It is not unusual to fear  Read the rest of this entry »